theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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