I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
