Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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