I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
