I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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