so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
