I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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