He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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