So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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