I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
