apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
