Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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