just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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