Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
