i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
