Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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