grandma shit on top of the toilet
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
