It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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