What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
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