I cockslap morals
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
