I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
