What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
