he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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