the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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