I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
