as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need to calm my uterus...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
