you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize