You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
