did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
