I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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