sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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