Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
