I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I have aggressive nipples.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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