i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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