3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
