Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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