So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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