Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize