My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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