just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
