My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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