I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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