Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
