Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
