you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
