Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I have tasted many bathrooms
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
