Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
