I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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