If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
