Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
