I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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