Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
