Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
