i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
