Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
