I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
