Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
