Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
