We're like a lot better than the average bears
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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