and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
